I feel like I'm missing something regarding prayer. I've been taught how to pray all my life and I've read things about how to pray. I've observed others praying and noted biblical characters and how they prayed. I've tried a lot of things , but they always seem to fall apart somehow. I don't feel like I'm communicating with God and, sometimes after trying some of the things I've been taught to do it feels like God is even further away. I don't want to condemn any type or style of praying , I just want something that works for God and I. I am willing to put aside traditional thoughts and patterns to make it work.
While growing up praying meant folding your hands and closing yours eyes while talking to God or listening to others talk to Him. One of my uncles and his family actually got off their chairs at the end of meals and knelt beside them folding their hands (closing eyes) while listening to a long prayer, by the dad usually. Sometimes I would feel guilty that I did not "get on my knees" and I didn't always fold my hands either. One of pointers I remember following through with was the making of a list. A list of people that I thought needed help or prayer. I would go through that list every night , praying for those people. Eventually, I stopped the list. It was hard to know if prayers were being answered. Most of the people on the list I didn't know well enough to ask them how their troubles were and if I didn't know what to pray for I felt the list was useless. It always seemed like I was asking God for something. I didn't feel that bond that someone like King David had with God.
Going to a Baptist church it seemed an emphasis was put on spoken prayer. People talked different when they prayed - they used words like "Father-God..." over and over again. Sometimes they quoted bible verses or reminded God of promises. At times prayer seemed long winded and the prayer requests went on FOREVER. Often when listening to prayer requests I would end up hearing more information then needed and sadly get bored or tired. I have always had trouble praying out loud , resenting the fact that I have to madly rake through my brain for words that "sound" like prayer. Prayer has in the past been kind of random and personal for me and I feel uncomfortable speaking to God out loud in a group of people.
In youth group I learned about ACTS (Adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication). I wrote out the acronym and attempted to practice it every night, but it still felt like I was rehearsing or reciting rather then communicating. The supplication part at the end got rather long eventually and the adoration/confession part got shorter. Confession - does anyone do that ? We all know we are supposed to do it. Do we have to confess every sin daily? Is it a one time thing? Obviously we sin during the day and are not aware of it. It was always easy to find things to be thankful for and rattle them off , but I wasn't sure if I was really thankful for the many blessings I have/had or just thankful for something to say...
I remember feeling surprised that a lady in church claimed to actually talk with God , telling Him about her day and actually hearing replies. After getting married and changing churches I noticed that the congregation at the Vineyard prayed with their eyes open and lifted their hands at times. They would often pray as though God where sitting near by. They would ask people to speak out responses that they thought God gave.. They place a large emphasis praying for people whenever , where ever - placing a hand on that person (usually one or two people praying for someone at a time). Prayer seemed more spontaneous and natural.
So in reviewing all these different ways of praying I started to think of my own or lack of prayer. Can I have a conversation with God? Will He hear me? Will He reply? It is easy to say "yes, of course" but difficult because it seems like I struggle with this while others excel (or appear to anyway).
Interestingly , attempting to teach my children to pray has helped me learn as well. I decided to stay away from the singing prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep.." . I tried to teach them to talk to God like He was really there. I thought that children would naturally take to that kind of communication with God , but they always looked questioningly at me when I asked them to say things. I realized that I would have to go first and always go first until they understood it ....which was strange because I didn't understand. I even talked with them about mistakes they made that day and that it was important to remember them so God could help us learn to do better. After that their favourite question was "So what did you do wrong today mom?". I have trouble remembering, but when I do they are more then happy to share. Nathan once told me he pushed his sister "10 times".
As I was reflecting on how much I've learned or experienced or want to experience in prayer I started to feel a small amount of despair creep in. What if I never get this? Instantly it was as if God was whispering in my mind "Just don't give up. Don't give up on me, keep trying. " I thought about what would happen if my husband and I stopped communicating with each other - I wouldn't want him to give up EVER. Being satisfied with a basic level of communication would be very damaging to my husband and I - how is it that different with my communication with God? So, I will not give up wondering or trying things.
No comments:
Post a Comment