"The Woman"

I sometimes feel harassed, hounded, mocked by a woman.  I see and hear her everywhere. The woman does not have a name, I've called her "the woman" for awhile now. The woman is an image that seems real , but is the product of a lie. This woman has perfect teeth, a flawless complexion, hair that is styled perfectly, eyes that shine brightly, a beautiful smile, a perfect body that fits into stunning clothing.  I hear her whisper in my mind , "You don't look like me.  You need to loose weight.  You need more clothing. You need more of everything.  You are not desirable. ".  I already know that this is a lie, I know the pictures/videos are edited, but because it is continually beating against me I need to remind myself. People use her image to sell almost everything.

  My husband and I have spoken about her a number of times and I've come to realize that she targets men as much as women.  She offers men pleasure without the pain of relationships. She attempts to take over what a woman should act like, feel like, talk like, look like. Mark has even yelled at her on the way home, telling her to "Go away!". The women that try to look like her generally don't have four children, they don't enjoy freedom in what they eat or wear. She has no place in our family.  I think by labeling her as a "her" and calling her "the woman" I began to separate her from myself.    

Remembering excerpts from a book I read ("Captivating" John & Staci Eldredge), the Bible, and conversations with my husband I am beginning to piece together what a woman is meant to be like, what we all are already like.  The term "beautiful" has a much deeper meaning then physical features. I still have not worked it all out, but every once in awhile I get snap shots of how my husband or children see me.  My husband loves me, not just my image, but how I think and act as well.  One "snap shot" that comes to mind now involves this picture below.  My daughter saw this Leonardo Da Vinci drawing on the cover of a book I was reading and she asked her dad "Is that mommy?". My amusement turned to amazement as my husband answered "No sweetheart, but it does look a lot like mommy doesn't it?".  I remember thinking "Is that really how they see me?".  As an artist , being compared to a work of art means a lot to me. Art is special (a portion of it anyway) because it can highlight the higher form of beauty that seems so evasive. Just then it was as if God told me "You are my work of art", a higher form of beauty, a Godly pure beauty that reflects God and shows people more of who He is.  This is what I need to think about, this is who I need to become.  "The woman" is again exposed as lie used by the devil  to deceive and entrap people.
 

Witnessing = sharing what you have

The word "witnessing" used to be frightening to me.  I grew up in churches that tended to use the word witnessing along with words like "missionary" or "missions" usually in the context of overseas mission work. I remember hearing people carefully telling me a list of bible verses I was to memorize, or giving out booklets that said the right words, handing out tracts and even classes on how to witness to someone. While I don't want to judge any church's view on witnessing (the word still makes me shutter a bit inside), I do have doubts on how it was presented to me. From my perspective it seemed like the subject was taught two different ways; you could go "overseas" and translate the bible and start churches , or you could "reach the lost" in your own neighborhood (usually in a crowded place like a mall). There always seemed to be a method or a formula that you needed in order to make a successful convert or go on a mission trip.

Standing on a street corner teaching anyone who happened to be listening was terrifying to my introverted nature. Handing out tracts in the mall was equally repulsive to me.  Asking loaded questions and setting up strong man arguments didn't sit well with me.  The thought of going on a mission trip made me feel guilty because I really wasn't interested in doing puppet shows, building walls or visiting orphanages. The one and only reason I considered going on mission trips was my love of travel and culture, I didn't consider that a "call" and it felt wrong to ask people for money just so I could travel around (that was another terrifying prospect- asking for money). The word "witnessing" became an instant trigger to a feeling of guilt. What I wanted most of all was to be useful to God. Facing the options that were so against my nature made me feel like I was failing God somehow.  I remember hearing church members joyfully talking about people they led to Jesus.  I didn't have one person that I had witnessed to that became a convert , in fact , I don't recall "witnessing" to anyone at all.  Gaining a convert almost seemed like a happy occurrence in which a Christian would gain another jewel in his/her crown that was waiting for them in heaven.

In high school thoughts of being useful to God somehow were always in the back of my head. I prayed and distressed about what career I was to choose. I had two subjects I enjoyed , art and biology. While  I was dealing with other things beyond my understanding at the time (explained in another blog of mine) , I didn't feel like I was an effective tool for God. I had friends , but religion never seemed to come up and if it did, I would chicken out and stay out of the conversation. I remember taking evolution in biology class and thinking I was sitting through a complete waste of time. The teacher kindly allowed me to present creation to the class.  I chose a Kent Hovind lecture movie (an acceptable and enjoyable movie in my church library).  It was a very poor choice, and for the first time I noticed a big difference in how I perceived the truth compared to how others saw it.  What I was missing was empathy and love for people and relationships (Kent Hovind was disrespectful and condescending) . Nearing the end of my high school years I was faced with a choice , a career in art or biology.  I prayed and stressed , finally choosing nursing as a career , because being a nurse surely would be more useful to God then an artist.  I concluded that sacrificing my true passion (art) for God was a like a high unselfish calling. After a short career in nursing God taught me how incredibly wrong I was.

I liked the job of a nurse .I liked taking care of people , but like many others who miss their calling , I burnt out, and to this day have no desire to return to the field of nursing. I had even gone on a mission trip by my self , to Togo, West Africa.  I started out my trip thinking I was going to benefit the developing world somehow and ended it by learning lessons in humility and the harsh reality of poverty (mine and theirs). I slowly realised that God created me to love art and wanted me to be an artist (among other things). I was most useful to Him when I was myself , doing what He created me to love.  I was a useful tool to Him when I shared with others what I loved  and allowed myself to get closer to Him (becoming more like Him).  Now I realize that I need to share Him through paintings, stories, and being a wife and mother, things I am already qualified for.  I don't need a formula, I need to love and respect others. I need to learn to listen to God and open my mind to different perspectives. I don't have to convince people of the truth in the gospel , I need to live it. I don't need special training, I need to be willing to share/give away what I have. I don't need to leave the country to be a missionary, I can focus on teaching my children about Him (not converts, but disciples). I remembered the analogy of the body that Paul uses to describe the church. People are unique and are created to serve God in unique ways , just like the many different parts of our body.  What a relief it is to ignore the pressure of not doing "enough" and to focus instead on who God wants me to be.    

  

The love of God is greater far then tongue or pen can ever tell

  I'm sure everyone has heard sermons about how big God's love is and how hard it is to understand why a deity would love us so much.  Who in their right mind would give up their children and watch people torture them - knowing that this act would redeem the very people causing harm?   The bible talks about God's love or demonstrates it , it also talks about a cold unfeeling people not returning that love.  Lately I've felt God teaching me about my love for Him.

For a long time I've been wondering about the Holy Spirit and how He works.  I've wondered why I don't seem to see much of Him in my life or others around me.  I don't think I could honestly say that I've been "filled with the Holy Spirit" like the apostles and early Christians were. Learning more about love seemed to put another piece in the puzzle for me.  

I had been thinking of the Holy Spirit being like a fire.  A fire catches on to things and can be passed along , but it can also be snuffed out or suffocated.  If the Spirit is like a fire, what happens if it is gone?  I seem to remember groups of people in the new testament that had received the "baptism of John" and believed but did not have the Spirit.  I'm starting to think that receiving the Spirit and receiving salvation may be two different things - sometimes they appear together and sometimes not.  So why did some of those Christians receive the Spirit when they heard the gospel for the first time and others not? I think the difference may have been in the teacher - some of them knew about Jesus and some of them didn't.  I'm also wondering if people are taught by someone "on fire" do they catch fire as well?  and so receive the Spirit?.

Maybe another way to not have the Spirit is to not follow God's commands.  I was reading 1 John and came to these verses :
  23 And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us. 24 The one who keeps God’s commands lives in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us. 1 John 3:23, 24 
So we need to accept Jesus and love others- esp. brothers and sisters (assuming he is talking about other Christians?)
19 We love because he first loved us. 20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. 1 John 4:19-21
I can't say I've "hated" another Christian (may have gotten close, but repented) but I've defiantly felt "unloving" towards certain groups all of my Christian life. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with an unloving attitude towards different church denominations.  I've also not felt love or compassion towards certain groups of non-believers and I see a lot of that reflected on social media as well (key words: gay marriage, burqa, government, anti-vax, homeless person...).  So, for a good portion of my spiritual life I have not loved others like God commanded me to.

I think it is ironic that all of my life I remember really wanting to be useful to God - even setting aside art studies to go for nursing (isn't nursing synonymous with mission work?)  , but I wasn't useful, because I was unloving and judgmental.  Would quenching the fire of the Holy Spirit be disobeying his "love others" command?  If a fire is quenched it is cold or just "gone".  Is the Spirit like that as well?  Is it cold, or gone?  I know I am a Christian and I have accepted Jesus , but when learning about the Holy Spirit I'm always feeling like I want more of Him , like I don't have enough.  Are there Christians that have simply gotten used to a quenched Spirit?  Has anyone really been filled completely?

I suppose a good way to get the "fire" back would be to start to love others - like God does. Part of me resists that.  Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Cor. 13:4-7).  To love people like that means being vulnerable.  It means that I would have to sacrifice things.  It means I might get hurt.

After writing the last sentence I realized that the part of me that is resisting this has been hurt deeply before and coldness has been preferable to risk .  I want to stay the same , but I also want more , I need more (more of God). How does one start to feel again? I can only hope that, since now I am willing to learn , God will be able to teach me.  




 

Prayer language?

In our church they encourage people to have a prayer language.  I've thought about it and compared it to "speaking in tongues".  I can't make sense of either one.  Do you just start talking gibberish? How could that be of any benefit?  I wouldn't understand what I was saying.

But does it really have to make sense?

As I was taking a shower one day I thought about having a prayer language and I thought about how the disciples were able to talk and listen to the Holy Spirit .  Maybe the point of a prayer language isn't just about communicating with God.  Maybe , at least for me, it is a way to focus on listening to the Holy Spirit.  Listen and repeat - basic lessons.

Kiss my finger

I've had issues with the subject of healing.  In the past I've prayed for healing for others or myself without result.  Recently, I have been experiencing a lot of pain in my hip (possibly bursitis) - which was an issue because I'm using it often during the day.  I thought why can't God just take this away?  I know He could , I believe He could have didn't I ?  I was never really sure.  I wrestled with thoughts revolving around my doubt and thoughts that God was far away and didn't really care about my hip pain.

This Sunday I wrestled with them still and then God gave me a picture of my daughter Sarah.  She had hurt her finger (they are forever getting them pinched, or squished) and came to me and asked me "mom, can you kiss my finger?" She was expecting something from me- comfort , sympathy .  I remembered that we are God's children.  Is that what God wants from me?  Me to come to Him like a little girl ...with the knowledge that everything will be better after He addresses the situation? To leave my ocean of doubt behind and to think - I will ask Him and if nothing changes , I will ask Him again  and again until something does...

When Sarah comes to me with her injured finger expecting me to "make it better" I know that the pain will go away on its own and a kiss and a hug will help her feel better until it does.  Maybe as the "parent" figure God knows more about my pain then I do and will treat me but possibly not the same way I think He should ... I still don't have the complete concept of what this means.

James 1:6-8New International Version (NIV)

6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

In Pursuit of Prayer

I feel like I'm missing something regarding prayer.  I've been taught how to pray all my life and I've read things about how to pray.  I've observed others praying and noted biblical characters and how they prayed. I've tried a lot of things , but they always seem to fall apart somehow.  I don't feel like I'm communicating with God and, sometimes after trying some of the things I've been taught to do it feels like God is even further away.  I don't want to condemn any type or style of praying , I just want something that works for God and I.  I am willing to put aside traditional thoughts and patterns to make it work.

While growing up praying meant folding your hands and closing yours eyes while talking to God or listening to others talk to Him.  One of my uncles and his family actually got off their chairs at the end of meals and knelt beside them folding their hands (closing eyes) while listening to a long prayer, by the dad usually.  Sometimes I would feel guilty that I did not "get on my knees" and I didn't always fold my hands either.  One of pointers I remember following through with was the making of a list.  A list of people that I thought needed help or prayer. I would go through that list every night , praying for those people.  Eventually, I stopped the list.  It was hard to know if prayers were being answered.  Most of the people on the list I didn't know well enough to ask them how their troubles were and if I didn't know what to pray for I felt the list was useless. It always seemed like I was asking God for something.  I didn't feel that bond that someone like King David had with God.

Going to a Baptist church it seemed an emphasis was put on spoken prayer.  People talked different when they prayed - they used words like "Father-God..." over and over again.  Sometimes they quoted bible verses or reminded God of promises.  At times prayer seemed long winded and the prayer requests went on FOREVER.  Often when listening to prayer requests I would end up hearing more information then needed and sadly get bored or tired.  I have always had trouble praying out loud , resenting the fact that I have to madly rake through my brain for words that "sound" like prayer.  Prayer has in the past been kind of random and personal for me and I feel uncomfortable speaking to God out loud in a group of people.

In youth group I learned about ACTS (Adoration, confession, thanksgiving, supplication).  I wrote out the acronym and attempted to practice it every night, but it still felt like I was rehearsing or reciting rather then communicating.  The supplication part at the end got rather long eventually and the adoration/confession part got shorter.  Confession - does anyone do that ?  We all know we are supposed to do it.  Do we have to confess every sin daily?  Is it a one time thing?  Obviously we sin during the day and are not aware of it.  It was always easy to find things to be thankful for and rattle them off , but I wasn't sure if I was really thankful for the many blessings I have/had or just thankful for something to say...

I remember feeling surprised that a lady in church claimed to actually talk with God , telling Him about her day and actually hearing replies.  After getting married and changing churches I noticed that the congregation at the Vineyard prayed with their eyes open and lifted their hands at times.  They would often pray as though God where sitting near by. They would ask people to speak out responses that they thought God gave.. They place a large emphasis praying for people whenever , where ever - placing a hand on that person (usually one or two people praying for someone at a time).  Prayer seemed more spontaneous and natural.

So in reviewing all these different ways of praying I started to think of my own or lack of prayer.  Can I have a conversation with God?   Will He hear me?  Will He reply?  It is easy to say "yes, of course" but difficult because it seems like I struggle with this while others excel (or appear to anyway).

Interestingly , attempting to teach my children to pray has helped me learn as well.  I decided to stay away from the singing prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep.." .  I tried to teach them to talk to God like He was really there.  I thought that children would naturally take to that kind of communication with God , but they always looked questioningly at me when I asked them to say things.  I realized that I would have to go first and always go first until they understood it ....which was strange because I didn't understand.  I even talked with them about mistakes they made that day and that it was important to remember them so God could help us learn to do better.  After that their favourite question was "So what did you do wrong today mom?".  I have trouble remembering, but when I do they are more then happy to share.  Nathan once told me he pushed his sister "10 times".

As I was reflecting on how much I've learned or experienced or want to experience in prayer I started to feel a small amount of despair creep in.  What if I never get this? Instantly it was as if God was whispering in my mind "Just don't give up. Don't give up on me, keep trying. " I thought about what would happen if my husband and I stopped communicating with each other - I wouldn't want him to give up EVER. Being satisfied with a basic level of communication would be very damaging to  my husband and I - how is it that different with my communication with God?  So, I will not give up wondering or trying things.    

The Little Voices

This morning in church it seemed like our children were more active then usual.  They ran around , fought and played nosily with toys. Whenever there was a pause in worship, meant of course for reflection and deep thought, I would hear these little voices. I would know each one and the cause of it (our family and a friends family sitting near by) - there were some giggles, raspberries blown, shrieks, angry crying, talking and just general noise. We would have to get up and hunt a child down or stop them from fighting over a toy or horsing around. I was thinking of how eternally distracted I was (and I wasn't the only one) by my children and wondering if I would ever be able to focus on anything in church again when God reminded me of the story about Jesus feeling "indignant" that children were not wanted around, and He welcomed them...right on to his lap I imagine (Mark 10:13).  The refrain of the song we were singing "Your love is here " had a new meaning for me.
God's love is here, with my children.  And it's OK that they are distracting now and that they don't have much of a clue as to what is going on at church.  It's OK that they are noisy and slightly misbehaved.  God accepts and loves them as children - noise and all , and I think He feels happy that they are a part of the service.
Thank you Jesus for sticking in teachable moments in the craziness that is now my life :)